Transcript
Dr. Shannon Chavez: Hi, I'm Dr. Shannon Chavez. I'm a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist. I help people going through menopause that are dealing with all of the changes and transitions, so that they have the information they need, and also to feel empowered during this phase of life.
We're going to talk about how reclaiming pleasure is so important for overall wellbeing. This video is going to cover everything from tips and tools to communication guidelines. So let's jump in.
Ambassador: So I'm 55 and I've gone from being totally in the mood to feeling 'meh' about sex. It's like someone flipped the switch on me and turned off my sexual desires. I'm guessing menopause is the culprit of this, but why did my sex drive just vanish like that?
Dr. Chavez: This is such an important question. Libido dropping during menopause is not only common, but it's something that we should expect. Hormones are fluctuating. There's changes in everything from our mood, our energy levels, how we're sleeping at night. It's definitely not like a switch going off, but it does create a change and it's important for us to adjust to that transition and most importantly, get to know what we need to take care of ourselves.
Ambassador: I'm finding ways to manage my perimenopause symptoms, but what about my sex life? Why is it so important to prioritize my desire and my own pleasure during this time?
Dr. Chavez: Pleasure is so powerful. It actually helps us regulate stress, improves our mood, and it helps balance hormones. It's important that we reclaim our pleasure during this time in our life, reconnect with our bodies, figure out what feels good, and remember that pleasure isn't just about sex. It's about vitality and joy and reconnecting with sensuality.
Ambassador: So perimenopause has put a lot of roadblocks in my physical and emotional wellbeing, and sometimes it's a hard, difficult time to be present during sex. I'm wondering how can I get past the physical and emotional stuff holding me back and prioritize feeling connected and own my own pleasure?
Dr. Chavez: It's so important to feel connected to your own pleasure again, and it takes time. So being patient with yourself, giving yourself permission, also reclaiming the narrative. We hear so many things about what we're supposed to feel during menopause and it can feel isolating and overwhelming.
It's important to start slow and figure out what's working for you. It's going to be different for everyone. So finding your own path towards what feels good and remember that pleasure is about connection. Connection with yourself and a partner.
Ambassador: I feel like menopause has hijacked my sex life and I'm so ready to take it back. What are some real doable things that I can start immediately that will help me reconnect with my body and get my pleasure back?
Dr. Chavez: Here's some practical tools to reconnect with your body and find pleasure again.
It starts with connecting with yourself. That could be simple things like sensual touch and massage, finding some self-care routines that aren't just about relaxation, but being present. Understanding what your body is communicating to you now. And those signals are important. When those fluctuations are happening in our hormones and we're feeling different, sometimes on a daily basis, we want to find out what our body needs. We might need more rest, more sensuality, more slowness.
It's also really important that we communicate with a partner so that our partner can support us when we're going through these changes. Also, I recommend things like self touch. You can use everything from massagers to lubricants, things that help you get in touch with your body and support some of those physical and emotional changes.
Ambassador: So my husband and I have been married 38 years, and we've always had a great sex life until I hit menopause and I lost my libido. And it was really challenging because sex and intimacy have always been really important to us in our marriage and there's never been an issue. But I sought treatment and got my libido back at about the same time as my husband lost his libido.
I didn't realize at the time that my doctor also treated men. So my husband got his hormones balanced and our sex life, believe it or not, was better than ever. And I guess I'm curious, how common is this seesaw of libido in a marriage during menopause, and what advice would you give other couples that are going through the same thing that my husband and I went through?
Dr. Chavez: In my practice, it is so common to see uneven desire. In fact, that's constantly what we're going to experience in our relationships, just as you're describing. Sometimes you're the high desire partner or the low desire partner because there are so many factors that affect our desire. Everything from stress to hormones to lifestyle factors.
So it's more importantly not to try to match one another's desire, but to embrace those changes and know how to support one another when those changes happen. Normalize the changes that are going on and have ways that you can communicate and talk about it when you notice those differences come up. When desire tends to change, we also go through emotional disconnection.
So it's important that partners talk to one another and find ways to connect even outside of sex. It could be something as simple as doing things together, shared activities, and just enjoying time.
Ambassador: As we get older, I don't want to lose that special connection with my husband. So I'm wondering if you've learned anything from other couples. Any tips or tricks on how to keep the intimacy in your marriage during this time?
Dr. Chavez: Some of my favorite tips to give couples when they're going through these changes are to be curious and creative. It's so important that we're constantly evolving our sex life together, and that can be simple things: novelty, communication, trying new things.
Also just intimacy and integrating intimacy into every aspect of pleasure. Some things I help couples do are finding good resources. That could be reading a book, looking at different websites, bringing in devices or products that can enhance that creativity.
Let's remember that pleasure is about play and that we want to have fun and feel present and connected and trying new things should be in your comfort zone. So remember to start small and you can always improve on that and explore even more as long as you're finding things that the both of you are enjoying.
Reclaiming pleasure is such an important part of your menopause transition. It's something to give yourself permission around, have fun, and make it your own. Pleasure is an important part of our journey of wellness, and it's important that we get curious, understand ourselves, and have fun.
