I'm just a Midwest girl raised in a modest home where private body parts were never called by their actual names (see, it's even hard for me now!). I didn't know what a "period" was until it happened in math class in 7th grade.
The matriarchs in my family talked very little about "the change" — except when my aunt would be extra snippy with my mom, and she would blame her behavior on it. That’s literally my only point of reference for menopause.
I learned about "lady things" at school from my friends or, as stated earlier, in real time! This led to quite a lot of misinformation, exaggeration, and even some fear.
Growing up in an extra modest and conservative home herself, my mom just didn't feel comfortable or know how to talk to me about menstruation, hormones, sex, childbirth, or menopause. I figured most of these milestones out on my own. If there was one transition I wish she had told me about or shared her journey with me, it would be menopause.
I officially stopped having periods and became menopausal at 50 years old! I had no symptoms up until this point, so it seemed to come quickly, which left me truly unprepared. I asked my mom how old she and my aunts (her two sisters) and my grandma were when they went through menopause. Her response? "I don't know!"
Okay, so based on my mom’s very “helpful” answer, I had no idea if I was early, late, how long this would last, or even what to expect... great! At this point, I'd been married for 26 years and felt I needed to educate my husband on what was happening and going to happen to me and my body — but I didn't even know myself.
That’s when I took matters into my own hands and started researching. I sure wish there were platforms available like Versalie when I needed help, guidance, and real resources.
Even though I had already had my last period, the hot flashes came in and out like I was standing too close to a fire but couldn't move away. Night sweats, mood swings, and ZERO sex drive! Yay me! As a person who never settles, this was not going to be my new normal.
My husband and I have always had a strong intimate and physical relationship. Married 38 years, there have been times in our marriage where he was in the mood but I wasn't, and vice versa. You either do it anyway (for your partner) or don't because it's just not in you.
But losing your libido during menopause is different than that. Sex wasn't even on my radar or in my thoughts. I couldn't talk myself into feeling aroused or even guilt myself into doing it. Days turned into weeks, and my poor husband was patient, but I could tell it was affecting him — and us!
I asked around and did some research. I found a fantastic OB-GYN that started his own practice with a focus on helping individuals regain optimal hormone function and health. He treats both men and women struggling with their hormones being out of whack (a technical term).
I made an appointment, he drew blood and interviewed me, and the results said it all! My estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone were all out of whack.
I started to get on track initially with pellet therapy that was meant to optimize my estrogen and testosterone levels, which were injected into my bottom (darn it, butt!). After a few months, I switched to estrogen and testosterone creams, which, for me, achieved the same results as the pellets.
Within a handful of months, my mojo was coming back. I was feeling things and even starting to feel sexy again. My hubby was happy and caught a little off guard when I would even initiate things — which wasn't always my style. Things were getting back on track in the bedroom, or at least I thought so.
Then came the plot twist I never saw coming.
Within a year of my hormone balancing, my hubby lost his libido and sex drive. This was a totally new dynamic for us and super confusing. This was a man who would happily have sex or fool around every single day.
Days and weeks would go by with him showing no interest in intimacy or sex! After all this time of me trying to get my mojo back and finally figuring things out, my husband wanted nothing to do with me. It started to affect our marriage in ways I did not expect.
Finally, one day I told him he should see my hormone doctor. I told him they treat more men than women. At first, he wasn't keen on the idea. Did this mean he was less of a man if he asked for help?
After many talks and tears, he made the appointment. The bloodwork showed his testosterone was extremely low — like low, low, low. I was in the office with him as we went over the results with our doctor, and the look of relief on his face was something to see.
It wasn't him or me — it was the hormones, or lack thereof.
Fast forward 10 years from that day, and my husband and I are both on medication that helped us and allowed our sex and intimacy to become the best it's ever been!
We can't keep our hands off each other and find each other hot and sexy in our 60s!
Having a healthy sex drive later in life — when you have more time, more shared experiences, maybe you're retired or an empty nester — is the greatest gift. Whether it's foreplay, super intense and delightful orgasms, intercourse, outercourse, or just plain flirting, I'm here for this menopause plot twist that has us in our hottest decade as a couple yet!
Final Note: It makes me sad when I see friends who have been married 25+ years and are more roommates than lovers when I know what's possible with hormone therapy. Don't settle, don't wait, don't assume, or bury your head in the sand. You too could go from zero to sixty and experience your hottest decade in your 50s, 60s, and beyond!
Every person and every couple are different. Communicate with your partner and any healthcare professionals about any questions or concerns that are specific to your journey.