Transcript
Dr. Shannon Chavez: Hi everyone. I'm Dr. Shannon Chavez. I’m a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist. I help women and couples navigate the menopause transition as they go through challenges in their relationship, changes in discovering new aspects of themself. During this video, we're going to talk about everything from tips and tools, how to better communicate, and how to deal with some of the common barriers and challenges that most couples go through.
Ambassador: We just celebrated our 20-year wedding anniversary, but most days it feels like I'm living with a stranger. Is this normal or part of menopause? Or am I losing my mind?
Dr. Chavez: First of all, thank you for this question. Not only is it common, but it's probably the most important question I get asked by my clients. Going through these changes can bring an opportunity to discuss these challenges, come together, and support one another.
And you're absolutely not losing your mind, but you are getting to know a new part of yourself. It's not always about going back to what was familiar, but embracing the changes and getting to know where you are and bringing your partner in on that journey.
Ambassador: As someone approaching the age of menopause, I've heard that you can start to feel like a stranger in your own skin. What is that about, and can you tell me how to get back to myself?
Dr. Chavez: This is such a powerful and important question. First of all, let's talk about some of these changes. Hormone fluctuations affect every aspect of our wellbeing. Physically, we may notice mood changes, feeling less susceptible and open to touch, noticing that desire change. We may notice feeling irritable, moody, and disconnected from everyone in our lives, including ourself.
I know a lot of us want to get back to the old version of ourself when we didn't feel the way that we do. I often recommend embracing a new version of self. Looking at who you are now. We're much wiser, more aware of our bodies and what we need.
We're not talking about it, then it may feel even more disconnecting. The more we talk about it, the more support your partner can show up for you and provide you with that extra care and need.
Ambassador: Is it normal that menopause has pretty much killed my sex drive? How can my husband and I rekindle the romance?
Dr. Chavez: This is something I hear all the time, and yes, it's normal. When desire changes, we can feel very disconnected from our partnership. It causes this ripple effect. You might notice certain things happening and changing in your relationship. Not just a lack of sex or connection, but maybe even a lack of intimacy — holding hands, flirting, connecting in the way that you used to.
Coming together in partnership and coming up with new ways to connect and create that intimacy is so important. Start with small things. Learning to enjoy one another's company again, being present, taking walks in nature, finding ways to prioritize pleasure without the pressure or expectation.
Ambassador: I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around my partner these days. Why is this happening to me?
Dr. Chavez: This is such an important question because it really gets to the heart of what happens during menopause, these physical and emotional changes. You may feel overwhelmed and stressed. It's important to not only normalize these changes but find simple small ways to support one another. Talk about it with a partner.
It’s so important that we don't react to some of these mood changes or shifts, but that we respond gently with empathy and understanding. Respect one another. Talking about it creates support and emotional connection.
Ambassador: How do I know if the changes in my relationship are just my hormones or if we have bigger problems?
Dr. Chavez: Hormones definitely play a role, but there are so many things going on during menopause: an identity shift, changes in your desires and wants. It's also an opportunity to address those challenges and concerns.
Therapy can be a great option for that. It helps you reset that foundation, have a neutral safe space to explore some of these concerns, and get some advice and recommendations on what to do when we hit those pitfalls in communication or barriers to understanding one another.
Ambassador: So how do I talk to my partner about menopause in a way that involves him and in a way where he can best support me?
Dr. Chavez: Talking to your partner about menopause is so important. What you're learning should be important for your partner to know as well. You are on this journey together. Start with some small bullet points around what you may need differently, how your partner can support you, and what's important for your connection together, how that may change things from pleasure to time spent together to self-care.
One of my communication tips is to remember that communication isn't just about solving problems. I think sometimes talking to a partner, partners respond with, how can we fix this? What can I do differently?
And I think for a lot of people it's just validating having a space where a partner's listening, they're reflecting, they're there right by your side. They're asking questions, they're curious, rather than in problem solving mode.
Ambassador: Intimacy is gone and fighting has increased. Is it too late for us to rekindle the flame and reconnect?
Dr. Chavez: It's definitely not too late to reconnect. What's most important is that you validate how you're feeling and you be vulnerable with one another. Being very intentional with communication, talking about it on a regular basis, not in one big swoop.
Also, making sure that we're not reacting to what the other is saying, that we're not focusing too much on fixing problems, but being able to listen, reflect, and have empathy for one another.
Understanding is an act of intimacy. It helps us feel safe and connected in our relationships and supported. It's not always about agreement.
In fact, we're going to have different perspectives. What's most important is that we hear one another, we can validate one another's feelings, and that we're able to look at how to support each other. We may have different needs and desires. But more importantly, fixing what's fixable and supporting where we need to be heard and listened to.
Menopause is a huge transition in our life. So many things are changing and evolving. It's inevitable that our relationship will go through those changes too. This is a time for you to create a solid foundation around intimacy, communication, understanding, and empathy. Coming together even stronger will help both of you feel closer, connected, and embrace this journey together.